Unrecognizable Emotions
by andyoullenjoyit
Summary: Addison had never really hated Meredith; it just took extreme measures for her to recognize her feelings. S3, takes place during Drowning on Dry Land and Some Kind of Miracle. Addison centric.


**Disclaimer:** Grey's Anatomy and other recognizable content belongs to Shonda Rhimes and ABC- I don't profit from this.

Addison had heard before going into surgery that there had been a ferryboat crash in Elliot Bay and that Seattle Grace had sent out a crew to perform triage. Later she had heard that one of the hospital staff had been admitted.

When she found out that it was the ever-present, hovering, husband-stealing Meredith Grey, she had to go see for herself- that was how she found herself passing a forlorn Derek, sitting outside of Grey's room looking like he was going to cry.

Addison pushed open the door and froze. There was Meredith Grey, the woman who stole her (now ex) husband, cold, lifeless and hooked up to wires that were breathing for her, with Preston, Richard and Miranda trying to warm her up and restart her heart. Even as she blurted out things they should try, she realized that if Meredith died Derek would never really be the same. When she told Meredith not to do this, not to die on them and then locked eyes with Derek through the open door- Addison knew.

She knew, without even a shred of doubt, that she had never truly hated Meredith Grey. She had come out to Seattle in all her glory, introduced herself with "you must be the woman who's screwing my husband" and proceeded to get him to choose her instead of Meredith. Addison knew that they called her Satan- but she didn't care, not really, because she had gotten Derek to give her another chance and make herself not look like a failure to all their friends. They had been Derek-and-Addison!

As she watched the IV drip into Meredith's veins, she realized that she didn't even care that Grey- Meredith, now- had had adulterous exam room sex with Derek at prom. Meredith and Addison were very similar- both had been using the men in their lives to pretend that they were okay. Of course, Addison was the cause of all of it, but that wasn't really the point. The point was that Meredith was dying, and Addison had finally realized that the previously unrecognizable emotion she had associated with Meredith, one that she had thought was hate, was love.

Standing there watching Meredith slip away was too much for her. It was a relief when her pager went off because it was becoming hard to keep in her tears. When Miranda reminded her that Meredith's friends and Derek were waiting it made it hurt even more. Meredith didn't consider her a friend, she never had. Now Addison knew how she felt and she might never get the chance to tell Meredith.

Walking into the hall and trying to compose herself, she told Derek that her temp was still only in the 80s but that they were trying. After convincing him that he had to stay in the hall and telling him he was in no state to help anyone (come to think of it, neither was she), Addison took a deep breath and opened the door leading to Meredith's friends, who were waiting anxiously. Telling them that they should prepare themselves in case she died was one of the worst things she's ever had to do because she couldn't grasp the thought of Meredith dying herself. The thought of Meredith dying made her heart ache painfully in a way that it had never had when she had thought of Derek.

Addison left the interns and walked down the hall to check on Jane Doe with Karev following her. She had to believe that Meredith would come out of this alive. She had to, because Meredith was a fighter. She would survive.

When she pulled Derek out of Ellis' room and he said that Meredith could swim, that she was a good swimmer and that he thought that Meredith had gone into the water on purpose- the thought made her sick. That Meredith had drowned accidentally had been overwhelming but the thought that Meredith had done this on purpose because she truly thought she was ordinary, and alone? That thought alone made Addison want to walk right back into Ellis Grey's room and slap the woman across the face. Realizing that she had played a part by forcing Derek to choose wrongly made her feel disgusted with herself. Karma really was a bitch.

"No. You do not get to break down; you do not get to fall apart. Not while there is still a chance and there still is a chance Derek, okay?"

Even as she said this to Derek, Addison recognized that they were also meant for her. There was still a chance that Meredith would survive. Besides, she couldn't exactly break down over the possibility of Meredith dying- Satan wasn't supposed to show emotion about the co-founder of the Dirty Mistresses club, it just wasn't right. Once again, her pager saved her and her out of control emotions. As she walked down the hall and tried to compose herself, she hoped like hell that she would be given the chance to see if there would be a Meredith-and-Addison, even if they were only friends.

The next few hours before she walked into Meredith's room and found out that she was alive and breathing on her own were the longest of Addison's life.

**A/N: **This is my first fic, so what do you think? There may be a companion piece, I'm not sure yet. Reviews are greatly appreciated!


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